The waiting game

My mom has pancreatic cancer. When my phone rings while I am at work- and no one I know would normally call my during the day- I momentarily panic. It is usually just a robo caller for some political caller or someone looking to fill an occupational therapy position. But for a moment I imagine that my mom is in the hospital, has deteriorated. I don't usually think she has died- I think don't think she is that bad yet, I think she has more downhill to go. Although a number of people with pancreatic cancer do die from blood clots- but she is on coumadin for A fib, so I think she will be okay with that.

Today I called her and she was having more pain, despite the increase in pain meds. It is really hard to talk to her on the phone because her hearing isn't that good- and on cell phones it is really bad. I only have a cell phone. I wanted to tell her about two of my patients. One who was an interesting mystery now solved, and one who is an inspiration. But she had so much trouble hearing that I don't think it was the enjoyable distraction that I had hoped it would be.

If I were a better daughter- and had more cash reserves- I would be there. It is hard to be so far away when this is happening. And yet, given the dynamics of her family, it is really hard to be there as well. But I am not willing to quit my job and move, and not in the financial position to do so either.  I have 12 months of family leave that I can take- mostly unpaid. I have 1 month of savings in the bank, thanks to expensive dental surgery that I have had this year. When I get my tax returns I should have another month's worth.

The problem with having 12 months leave and no more is knowing when to take it. But I also have some vacation time- and I am going to go next month.

My mom and my aunt think that this is beatable, that the right alternative doctor, and maybe cannabis oil (now legal in their state), can cure this. If they are right I will write a book! But I don't think so.