I have now had 4 ketamine treatments and I feel so much better. Monday is #5 and I can't wait. My fear is that this is short-lived, and that as we start tapering off the depression will return. That happened to me with ECT. Although I didn't do maintenance with ECT- I was waiting for my memory to return first. And it never did, so I never did the maintenance.
I wonder what works better- ketamine or ECT. Unfortunately insurance pays for ECT but not ketamine. And ketamine is off-patent, so I don't see it getting FDA approval for depression. So it will continue to be off-label and unaffordable for most depressed people.
So much depression is better, but me life sucks. I've been living with depression for so long I really have no life. I think I need to go back to therapy. But it really, really has to be someone who takes my insurance, with what I am spending on the ketamine. And it really needs to be someone good. I don't suffer fools lightly!
Friday, October 13, 2017
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Ketamine treatment #3
It seemed a little less intense this time, and the duration of really feeling away seemed shorter. Or maybe it was just that I used different music- which I didn't think was as good a match. I'll go back to the "Studying Music" album that I was using- it was really great. I had tried switching to something a little more new-age, but it didn't work. Too much empty space in the music.
Still, it is amazing that you can go so far away as you do with the ketamine, and then come back as quickly as you do. But it somehow feels like exactly what you need to defeat depression- something that feels that dramatic. Well, they used to do exorcisms for mental illness. Taking a pill just isn't very satisfying when it comes to taking on something like serious depression. Like it is not on the same scale of things.
If I hadn't inherited a little money from my mother I don't know if I would be doing this. So I feel a little guilty about it- that something good could come from her death. But I think she would approve, I think she would want me to spend the money this way. She would love the fact that it is a little bit alternative.
They say ketamine can work on both depression and anxiety. However, it seems to be working much more on my depression. It works in the moment for my anxiety- I am very relaxed afterwards but then it comes back. But now that I think about it, often when I come out of a bad depression my anxiety goes up. I'm not sure why.
Meanwhile, California is on fire and people are dying. I turned on the news, and no one is saying climate change. September global temperatures set a record since we began using satellites to measure temperature, and it is not even an El Nino year.
I used to wonder how long it would take until things get bad. But I realize, that is the wrong question. Depending upon where you live, things might already be bad. The question is, how long before things get bad in ways that directly impact me.
Still, it is amazing that you can go so far away as you do with the ketamine, and then come back as quickly as you do. But it somehow feels like exactly what you need to defeat depression- something that feels that dramatic. Well, they used to do exorcisms for mental illness. Taking a pill just isn't very satisfying when it comes to taking on something like serious depression. Like it is not on the same scale of things.
If I hadn't inherited a little money from my mother I don't know if I would be doing this. So I feel a little guilty about it- that something good could come from her death. But I think she would approve, I think she would want me to spend the money this way. She would love the fact that it is a little bit alternative.
They say ketamine can work on both depression and anxiety. However, it seems to be working much more on my depression. It works in the moment for my anxiety- I am very relaxed afterwards but then it comes back. But now that I think about it, often when I come out of a bad depression my anxiety goes up. I'm not sure why.
Meanwhile, California is on fire and people are dying. I turned on the news, and no one is saying climate change. September global temperatures set a record since we began using satellites to measure temperature, and it is not even an El Nino year.
I used to wonder how long it would take until things get bad. But I realize, that is the wrong question. Depending upon where you live, things might already be bad. The question is, how long before things get bad in ways that directly impact me.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
What's depression? What's life? I'm starting to get an idea
With 2 ketamine treatments on board I went home for the weekend after spending time with family. It is really unstructured time, and I am struggling a little with it. But it isn't throwing me into depression.
Yes, I do have a lot of difficulties in my life. While I have been too depressed to walk into a grocery store until yesterday, it was still hard- but I think it is always hard. Especially because I went to the larger, nicer grocery store which is really like a food museum. You walk in and you can't imagine that there could ever be want anywhere in the world. So much food.
I think it was while trying to find yogurt that I really shut down. I can remember when there were only two companies that had greek yogurt. Now there is this whole greek yoghurt session. I have always had this problem with feeling overwhelmed- I remember as a child hiding in the bathroom during lunch because the cafeteria was too noisy and overwhelming. I am still that child in many ways.
So life is still hard. But the depression is better. I hope it lasts, I really do. Three more ketamine treatments scheduled, and then the taper/maintenance phase.
Yes, I do have a lot of difficulties in my life. While I have been too depressed to walk into a grocery store until yesterday, it was still hard- but I think it is always hard. Especially because I went to the larger, nicer grocery store which is really like a food museum. You walk in and you can't imagine that there could ever be want anywhere in the world. So much food.
I think it was while trying to find yogurt that I really shut down. I can remember when there were only two companies that had greek yogurt. Now there is this whole greek yoghurt session. I have always had this problem with feeling overwhelmed- I remember as a child hiding in the bathroom during lunch because the cafeteria was too noisy and overwhelming. I am still that child in many ways.
So life is still hard. But the depression is better. I hope it lasts, I really do. Three more ketamine treatments scheduled, and then the taper/maintenance phase.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
I'm a ketamine fan now
I was sliding into another depression. I didn't want another medication. I didn't think anything would work- and I feel like when the drugs do work, it is usually by numbing me, by taking something away from me. And I have been on so many meds. It wasn't my worst depression, but the hopelessness level was very high.
So I decided to do something different: ketamine. They are doing ketamine infusions for depression. I have been reading about it for a while, but the price has put me off. But I finally decided now is the time to try it- I have to try something different.
I had my first two infusions. After the first one I felt better-but the next day the depression was back. After the second one I feel better and it has at least lasted a couple of days. And the best part is, I don't feel numb. I don't feel like my mind has lost anything, only gained.
The infusion itself is really trippy. The doctor told me that it is probably weirder for me because I don't drink or do drugs! Am I that unusual? But is was very trippy, very weird. The first day I was a little concerned when my mind finally lost contact with my body, and wondered if they gave me too high a dose. But I really wasn't scared. And the second time I knew what to expect and all was good.
I do the ketamine with headphones and classical music playing. I had a brief "Soylent Green" moment when I had selected the same music as they play when the Old Man is in the death center getting his deadly cocktail of drugs. I quickly switched the music.
Really, the music saved me. I think it is why I wasn't scared. It was my focus, my guide, as my normal sensations went away. But it was pretty awesome.
I read an article that said that the sensations you have during the experience have nothing to do with the antidepressant response, that it is all the biochemical effects of the drug. How do they know that? But then that is also consistent with a theory of mind which says that all of consciousness is an epiphenomenon and doesn't matter- it is what is going on at a neurological level that that matters. So if I were to kill myself it would have nothing to do with the fact that I find existence painful, just the computational conclusion of my neurons firing.
I did something else that was really trippy yesterday- I went and saw the Blade Runner sequel. It was amazing. I want to go see it again- this time in IMAX. It was just amazing. A beautiful film. I loved the original, and this is a worthy sequel.
So I decided to do something different: ketamine. They are doing ketamine infusions for depression. I have been reading about it for a while, but the price has put me off. But I finally decided now is the time to try it- I have to try something different.
I had my first two infusions. After the first one I felt better-but the next day the depression was back. After the second one I feel better and it has at least lasted a couple of days. And the best part is, I don't feel numb. I don't feel like my mind has lost anything, only gained.
The infusion itself is really trippy. The doctor told me that it is probably weirder for me because I don't drink or do drugs! Am I that unusual? But is was very trippy, very weird. The first day I was a little concerned when my mind finally lost contact with my body, and wondered if they gave me too high a dose. But I really wasn't scared. And the second time I knew what to expect and all was good.
I do the ketamine with headphones and classical music playing. I had a brief "Soylent Green" moment when I had selected the same music as they play when the Old Man is in the death center getting his deadly cocktail of drugs. I quickly switched the music.
Really, the music saved me. I think it is why I wasn't scared. It was my focus, my guide, as my normal sensations went away. But it was pretty awesome.
I read an article that said that the sensations you have during the experience have nothing to do with the antidepressant response, that it is all the biochemical effects of the drug. How do they know that? But then that is also consistent with a theory of mind which says that all of consciousness is an epiphenomenon and doesn't matter- it is what is going on at a neurological level that that matters. So if I were to kill myself it would have nothing to do with the fact that I find existence painful, just the computational conclusion of my neurons firing.
I did something else that was really trippy yesterday- I went and saw the Blade Runner sequel. It was amazing. I want to go see it again- this time in IMAX. It was just amazing. A beautiful film. I loved the original, and this is a worthy sequel.
Monday, September 5, 2016
It all comes down to oil of course
I'm such a geek, I was watching CSPAN book TV. I cannot remember the speaker, but he wasn't too worried about climate change. In fact, he said that the proponents of climate change were a bigger threat to our society than climate change is. Because they want to take our fossil fuels away, and our society is totally dependent upon fossil fuels. Take them away and we have no society as we know it.
That is quite an admission of the vulnerability of our society. If climate change doesn't get us, peak oil will. That is not news to me, but it is interesting to hear it coming from someone else- I don't know if he realizes what he is saying. Yes, if climate change is a mistake or a hoax or whatever, we may get a few more years or decades- but the party is still going to come to an end. And there is no reason to think that we will be better prepared for it then than if it happens sooner. Our fossil fuel use keeps going up and up. We are not making the gains in alternative energy that we need to be, or researching non-fossil fuel options that we need to be. Society is doomed. You heard it from a right winger.
That is the problem with TV. You can't talk back to the speaker, or ask a question. Another speaker was bemoaning the recent fascination of the younger generation and the Democrats with socialisms and saying how it will be the end of society as we know it. I wanted to ask if he thought that we are now attracted to socialism because technology and globalism has diminished the demand for and economic clout of American labor, concentrated wealth, and therefor, while one people could strike to improve their lot, now the only avenue left they have is political.
Alas, no one to say this too. TV is a one-way street.
That is quite an admission of the vulnerability of our society. If climate change doesn't get us, peak oil will. That is not news to me, but it is interesting to hear it coming from someone else- I don't know if he realizes what he is saying. Yes, if climate change is a mistake or a hoax or whatever, we may get a few more years or decades- but the party is still going to come to an end. And there is no reason to think that we will be better prepared for it then than if it happens sooner. Our fossil fuel use keeps going up and up. We are not making the gains in alternative energy that we need to be, or researching non-fossil fuel options that we need to be. Society is doomed. You heard it from a right winger.
That is the problem with TV. You can't talk back to the speaker, or ask a question. Another speaker was bemoaning the recent fascination of the younger generation and the Democrats with socialisms and saying how it will be the end of society as we know it. I wanted to ask if he thought that we are now attracted to socialism because technology and globalism has diminished the demand for and economic clout of American labor, concentrated wealth, and therefor, while one people could strike to improve their lot, now the only avenue left they have is political.
Alas, no one to say this too. TV is a one-way street.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Peak sunshine, peak mood?
It is the very beginning of summer, with the days as long as they will ever be. And I have spent time outside most every day recently, even if only to eat lunch in my car. Is that why my mood has been so good this past week? It really has been amazingly good. And my mood has always been influenced by the sun.
Or am I at a sweet spot with my meds? A place I don't want to be- still taking a half of a klonopin at night, as well as on the increased Zyprexa (7.5mg instead of 5mg). I still have my feeling of numbness and lack of initiation, and I like to blame my meds for this. But I wonder if I am blaming the wrong meds for this. I wonder if the bigger problem is the lithium. And of course there is the Effexor, I know that one is bad. But it is so good, too.
I don't want to have to choose: numb or depressed. But then I wonder if I need to feel numb in order not to feel depressed. That is a depressing thought.
I think, though, I will have to try going down on the Zyprexa again. Or maybe the lithium. I have cut two meds recently. I don't think I'm going to get off all meds- that is, not until we get to a post-apocalyptic-world with no psychiatrists and no drug companies. But I want to find that sweet spot where I am not depressed, not manic, don't feel numb, and have some initiative. As if such a place exists!
If that place does exist, I think that it involves less medication. And more sunshine.
Or am I at a sweet spot with my meds? A place I don't want to be- still taking a half of a klonopin at night, as well as on the increased Zyprexa (7.5mg instead of 5mg). I still have my feeling of numbness and lack of initiation, and I like to blame my meds for this. But I wonder if I am blaming the wrong meds for this. I wonder if the bigger problem is the lithium. And of course there is the Effexor, I know that one is bad. But it is so good, too.
I don't want to have to choose: numb or depressed. But then I wonder if I need to feel numb in order not to feel depressed. That is a depressing thought.
I think, though, I will have to try going down on the Zyprexa again. Or maybe the lithium. I have cut two meds recently. I don't think I'm going to get off all meds- that is, not until we get to a post-apocalyptic-world with no psychiatrists and no drug companies. But I want to find that sweet spot where I am not depressed, not manic, don't feel numb, and have some initiative. As if such a place exists!
If that place does exist, I think that it involves less medication. And more sunshine.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
The Game of Thrones, beekeeping edition
I have been helping my dad out with his beekeeping. Yesterday we were going to do some "requeening." Or in other words, kill the old queen and put in new queens. But most of his hives weren't doing so well- only one seemed to have an active laying queen- and she was laying very well, so she got spared. Instead we started "nukes" with new queens and brood (with attendant nurse bees). A couple of hives seemed to have swarmed. It isn't clear if there is a new queen that hasn't started laying yet- we couldn't find her, or if the queen is dead. When she goes out on her mating flight she could get eaten by a bird, etc., and never come home. So then the hive would have no queen.
We did find queen cells- ruptured- in two hives. That means a new queen has been hatched. In a Game of Thrones manner, the first queen to come out destroys all the remaining queen cells. So she has no competition.
Maybe I am just sentimental, but I am glad that we let the queen live. It was such as good hive, so much brood and so much honey. And the bees weren't mean, they were very gentle.
The hives differ in temperament. There is one hive that is a lot more defensive than the others. They really swarm around you, no matter how much smoke I give them. Of course I have my bee suit on, so I am pretty safe.
We did find queen cells- ruptured- in two hives. That means a new queen has been hatched. In a Game of Thrones manner, the first queen to come out destroys all the remaining queen cells. So she has no competition.
Maybe I am just sentimental, but I am glad that we let the queen live. It was such as good hive, so much brood and so much honey. And the bees weren't mean, they were very gentle.
The hives differ in temperament. There is one hive that is a lot more defensive than the others. They really swarm around you, no matter how much smoke I give them. Of course I have my bee suit on, so I am pretty safe.
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