Ketamine treatment #4

I have now had 4 ketamine treatments and I feel so much better. Monday is #5 and I can't wait. My fear is that this is short-lived, and that as we start tapering off the depression will return. That happened to me with ECT. Although I didn't do maintenance with ECT- I was waiting for my memory to return first. And it never did, so I never did the maintenance.

I wonder what works better- ketamine or ECT. Unfortunately insurance pays for ECT but not ketamine. And ketamine is off-patent, so I don't see it getting FDA approval for depression. So it will continue to be off-label and unaffordable for most depressed people.

So much depression is better, but me life sucks. I've been living with depression for so long I really have no life. I think I need to go back to therapy. But it really, really has to be someone who takes my insurance, with what I am spending on the ketamine. And it really needs to be someone good. I don't suffer fools lightly!

Ketamine treatment #3

It seemed a little less intense this time, and the duration of really feeling away seemed shorter. Or maybe it was just that I used different music- which I didn't think was as good a match. I'll go back to the "Studying Music" album that I was using- it was really great. I had tried switching to something a little more new-age, but it didn't work. Too much empty space in the music.

Still, it is amazing that you can go so far away as you do with the ketamine, and then come back as quickly as you do. But it somehow feels like exactly what you need to defeat depression- something that feels that dramatic. Well, they used to do exorcisms for mental illness. Taking a pill just isn't very satisfying when it comes to taking on something like serious depression. Like it is not on the same scale of things.

If I hadn't inherited a little money from my mother I don't know if I would be doing this. So I feel a little guilty about it- that something good could come from her death.  But I think she would approve, I think she would want me to spend the money this way. She would love the fact that it is a little bit alternative.

They say ketamine can work on both depression and anxiety. However, it seems to be working much more on my depression. It works in the moment for my anxiety- I am very relaxed afterwards but then it comes back. But now that I think about it, often when I come out of a bad depression my anxiety goes up. I'm not sure why.

Meanwhile, California is on fire and people are dying. I turned on the news, and no one is saying climate change. September global temperatures set a record since we began using satellites to measure temperature,  and it is not even an El Nino year.

I used to wonder how long it would take until things get bad. But I realize, that is the wrong question. Depending upon where you live, things might already be bad. The question is, how long before things get bad in ways that directly impact me.

What's depression? What's life? I'm starting to get an idea

With 2 ketamine treatments on board I went home for the weekend after spending time with family. It is really unstructured time, and I am struggling a little with it. But it isn't throwing me into depression.

Yes, I do have a lot of difficulties in my life. While I have been too depressed to walk into a grocery store until yesterday, it was still hard- but I think it is always hard. Especially because I went to the larger, nicer grocery store which is really like a food museum. You walk in and you can't imagine that there could ever be want anywhere in the world. So much food.

I think it was while trying to find yogurt that I really shut down. I can remember when there were only two companies that had greek yogurt. Now there is this whole greek yoghurt session. I have always had this problem with feeling overwhelmed- I remember as a child hiding in the bathroom during lunch because the cafeteria was too noisy and overwhelming. I am still that child in many ways.

So life is still hard. But the depression is better. I hope it lasts, I really do. Three more ketamine treatments scheduled, and then the taper/maintenance phase.

I'm a ketamine fan now

I was sliding into another depression. I didn't want another medication. I didn't think anything would work- and I feel like when the drugs do work, it is usually by numbing me, by taking something away from me. And I have been on so many meds. It wasn't my worst depression, but the hopelessness level was very high.

So I decided to do something different: ketamine. They are doing ketamine infusions for depression. I have been reading about it for a while, but the price has put me off. But I finally decided now is the time to try it- I have to try something different.

I had my first two infusions. After the first one I felt better-but the next day the depression was back. After the second one I feel better and it has at least lasted a couple of days. And the best part is, I don't feel numb. I don't feel like my mind has lost anything, only gained.

The infusion itself is really trippy. The doctor told me that it is probably weirder for me because I don't drink or do drugs! Am I that unusual? But is was very trippy, very weird. The first day I was a little concerned when my mind finally lost contact with my body, and wondered if they gave me too high a dose. But I really wasn't scared. And the second time I knew what to expect and all was good.

I do the ketamine with headphones and classical music playing. I had a brief "Soylent Green" moment when I had selected the same music as they play when the Old Man is in the death center getting his deadly cocktail of drugs. I quickly switched the music.

Really, the music saved me. I think it is why I wasn't scared. It was my focus, my guide, as my normal sensations went away. But it was pretty awesome.

I read an article that said that the sensations you have during the experience have nothing to do with the antidepressant response, that it is all the biochemical effects of the drug. How do they know that? But then that is also consistent with a theory of mind which says that all of consciousness is an epiphenomenon and doesn't matter- it is what is going on at a neurological level that that matters. So if I were to kill myself it would have nothing to do with the fact that I find existence painful, just the computational  conclusion of my neurons firing.

I did something else that was really trippy yesterday- I went and saw the Blade Runner sequel. It was amazing. I want to go see it again- this time in IMAX. It was just amazing. A beautiful film. I loved the original, and this is a worthy sequel.