It seemed a little less intense this time, and the duration of really feeling away seemed shorter. Or maybe it was just that I used different music- which I didn't think was as good a match. I'll go back to the "Studying Music" album that I was using- it was really great. I had tried switching to something a little more new-age, but it didn't work. Too much empty space in the music.
Still, it is amazing that you can go so far away as you do with the ketamine, and then come back as quickly as you do. But it somehow feels like exactly what you need to defeat depression- something that feels that dramatic. Well, they used to do exorcisms for mental illness. Taking a pill just isn't very satisfying when it comes to taking on something like serious depression. Like it is not on the same scale of things.
If I hadn't inherited a little money from my mother I don't know if I would be doing this. So I feel a little guilty about it- that something good could come from her death. But I think she would approve, I think she would want me to spend the money this way. She would love the fact that it is a little bit alternative.
They say ketamine can work on both depression and anxiety. However, it seems to be working much more on my depression. It works in the moment for my anxiety- I am very relaxed afterwards but then it comes back. But now that I think about it, often when I come out of a bad depression my anxiety goes up. I'm not sure why.
Meanwhile, California is on fire and people are dying. I turned on the news, and no one is saying climate change. September global temperatures set a record since we began using satellites to measure temperature, and it is not even an El Nino year.
I used to wonder how long it would take until things get bad. But I realize, that is the wrong question. Depending upon where you live, things might already be bad. The question is, how long before things get bad in ways that directly impact me.
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