I was sliding into another depression. I didn't want another medication. I didn't think anything would work- and I feel like when the drugs do work, it is usually by numbing me, by taking something away from me. And I have been on so many meds. It wasn't my worst depression, but the hopelessness level was very high.
So I decided to do something different: ketamine. They are doing ketamine infusions for depression. I have been reading about it for a while, but the price has put me off. But I finally decided now is the time to try it- I have to try something different.
I had my first two infusions. After the first one I felt better-but the next day the depression was back. After the second one I feel better and it has at least lasted a couple of days. And the best part is, I don't feel numb. I don't feel like my mind has lost anything, only gained.
The infusion itself is really trippy. The doctor told me that it is probably weirder for me because I don't drink or do drugs! Am I that unusual? But is was very trippy, very weird. The first day I was a little concerned when my mind finally lost contact with my body, and wondered if they gave me too high a dose. But I really wasn't scared. And the second time I knew what to expect and all was good.
I do the ketamine with headphones and classical music playing. I had a brief "Soylent Green" moment when I had selected the same music as they play when the Old Man is in the death center getting his deadly cocktail of drugs. I quickly switched the music.
Really, the music saved me. I think it is why I wasn't scared. It was my focus, my guide, as my normal sensations went away. But it was pretty awesome.
I read an article that said that the sensations you have during the experience have nothing to do with the antidepressant response, that it is all the biochemical effects of the drug. How do they know that? But then that is also consistent with a theory of mind which says that all of consciousness is an epiphenomenon and doesn't matter- it is what is going on at a neurological level that that matters. So if I were to kill myself it would have nothing to do with the fact that I find existence painful, just the computational conclusion of my neurons firing.
I did something else that was really trippy yesterday- I went and saw the Blade Runner sequel. It was amazing. I want to go see it again- this time in IMAX. It was just amazing. A beautiful film. I loved the original, and this is a worthy sequel.
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