It is the very beginning of summer, with the days as long as they will ever be. And I have spent time outside most every day recently, even if only to eat lunch in my car. Is that why my mood has been so good this past week? It really has been amazingly good. And my mood has always been influenced by the sun.
Or am I at a sweet spot with my meds? A place I don't want to be- still taking a half of a klonopin at night, as well as on the increased Zyprexa (7.5mg instead of 5mg). I still have my feeling of numbness and lack of initiation, and I like to blame my meds for this. But I wonder if I am blaming the wrong meds for this. I wonder if the bigger problem is the lithium. And of course there is the Effexor, I know that one is bad. But it is so good, too.
I don't want to have to choose: numb or depressed. But then I wonder if I need to feel numb in order not to feel depressed. That is a depressing thought.
I think, though, I will have to try going down on the Zyprexa again. Or maybe the lithium. I have cut two meds recently. I don't think I'm going to get off all meds- that is, not until we get to a post-apocalyptic-world with no psychiatrists and no drug companies. But I want to find that sweet spot where I am not depressed, not manic, don't feel numb, and have some initiative. As if such a place exists!
If that place does exist, I think that it involves less medication. And more sunshine.
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